“the headline is dick cheney got a new heart. you know i’m sure, by the way, that that is a very different headline in the organ community. probably something like, “innocent heart sentenced to life in cheney.”—jon stewart, the daily show.
“mitt romney, the least interesting man in the world. he once said corporations were people because compared to him, they are. when ambien can’t sleep, it takes him. he once masturbated thinking about the great everyday values at sears. paint watches him dry. he doesn’t always drink beer but when he does .. no wait, he never does.”—bill maher; real time with bill maher
“everything romney knows about the south, he learned from a jeff foxworthy routine. i swear to god it’s like .. if you have a working 52” plasma tv on top of an also working 52” plasma tv, you might be a romney. if your favorite kind of fireworks is firin people at work … if you have a car on your front lawn cuz your garage only holds 5 cars … if you go to the diner and order your eggs faberge … if you think cloverfield was a movie about your butler, you might be a romney.”—jon stewart; the daily show
“the slovak republic has set up an online contest to allow the public to name a bridge and the name currently in first place is chuck norris. guys, you can’t name a bridge after chuck norris, because NOBODY crosses chuck norris.”—seth meyers, weekend update, snl.
“dear oxford english dictionary,
i submit to you a new measure of time, the “romney.” it’s defined as the 3½ hour window in which a grown man running for president can change his deepest conviction .. to its opposite.
let me use it in a sentence for you, “oh my god we’ve been in this fuckin car for 2½ romneys now! i need to pee. no i don’t.”—jon stewart re the 2 positions romney took on the blunt amendment within 3½ hours of each other. didn’t think he could top the joke from the other day. never doubt the daily show.
“eventually the winner did emerge & it was one, willard mittinghouse romney. real cinderella story of a hundred millionaire coming out of everywhere to barely squeak past a crazy person in his own home state.”—jon stewart on the michigan primary. best description ever.