SUEicide
March 2012
28 posts
10 Things More Likely To Happen Than Winning the Mega Millions
1. Death by Vending Machine
2. Dying in an Airline-Related Terrorist Attack
3. Having Identical Quadruplets
4. Becoming President
5. Dying From Bee, Hornet, or Wasp Stings
6. Dying From Being Left-Handed
7. Becoming a Movie Star
8. Dying in a Plane Crash
9. Death by Flesh-Eating Bacteria
10. Getting Struck by Lightning
And yet, we keep buying tickets.
“the headline is dick cheney got a new heart. you know i’m sure, by the way, that that is a very different headline in the organ community. probably something like, “innocent heart sentenced to life in cheney.”
—jon stewart, the daily show.
“mitt romney, the least interesting man in the world. he once said corporations were people because compared to him, they are. when ambien can’t sleep, it takes him. he once masturbated thinking about the great everyday values at sears. paint watches him dry. he doesn’t always drink beer but when he does .. no wait, he never does.”
—bill maher; real time with bill maher
“everything romney knows about the south, he learned from a jeff foxworthy routine. i swear to god it’s like .. if you have a working 52” plasma tv on top of an also working 52” plasma tv, you might be a romney. if your favorite kind of fireworks is firin people at work … if you have a car on your front lawn cuz your garage only holds 5 cars … if you go to the diner and order your eggs faberge … if you think cloverfield was a movie about your butler, you might be a romney.”
—jon stewart; the daily show
Play
0:49
